things i have learned lately.
a paper cup filled with icetea and left on a dashboard will leak after a couple days.
when most people talk about the Baldwins they are not talking about piano makers.
mel gibson looks really funny in an 80's haircut.
when you say albert camus the way i think it's supposed to be pronounced, it sounds like ALbatross, BEAR, CAmel, MOOse.

person a
very depressed, almost dangerously so, but not quite. fighting very hard, as far as possible, to keep it that way. brain tries to tell p.a. that there is no God, the world makes no sense, give up trying to find Him, etc.. a lot of time spent trying to shut off said brain, or fighting it. the energy to fight very effectivly may not be there, but the desire to and the effort is there.
a quote from The First Man, by Albert Camus
'All that was left was this anguished heart, eager to live, rebelling against the deadly order of the world that had been with him for forty years, and still struggling agaist the wall that separated him from the secret of all life, wanting to go farther, to go beyong, and to discover, discover before dying, discoverat last in order to be, just once to be, for a single second, but forever.'
this is a fairly good (if somewhat dramatized) description of p.a.'s condition, just lacking to energy to strive as fully as wanted and needed. also, p.a. cares. very much so.
what is person a to do? take meds so he/she can become like
person b,
who is not nearly so depressed. more energy, mental capacities better, in many ways. more content with life, more relaxed. risk of suicide practically non-exsistant. many aspects of normal life returned. the problem - no fight. all depth and spiritual fight seems to have gone in p.b., the desire to make God listen. caring seems to have fled. not truly, but sort of. almost as though the superficial layer of life has grown and taken over all of the realness it can(not all of it. one hopes that will never completely be destroyed.) and has thus become reality, much of the time. the thing to do, obviously, is to enjoy and relax in the good things, and try to fight to get that infamous fight back. but -
my friends, which is better? which would you choose? it's not as though person b has turned God away - just forgets about Him through sheer spiritual spinelessness on a regular basis.
and i can't even really say this is me then and me now, as i seem to have taken that verse 'we see through a glass darkly' to a whole new level when it comes to figuring out my life. i dunno. not i dunno and i want to know, but whatthehellidunnoidon'tcare. see the problem? so the point of this paragraph is, don't think of it as me so much as a hypothetical situation that you may be in and what would you do?
i'm gonna go ride bikes with the kids. as in 'dang it gemma, you are only allowed to run into my vehicle, not the neighbours! stu! look where you're going! aren't you glad that car was looking?'

imagine - i fieldish thing, but bumpy, with scrubby bushes, blue and orange wildflowers, trees and rockpiles in the background, etc. wild looking, in a way, and quite beautiful, if that word fits. one old camper trailer, a few newer lookatmei'mcool trucks, a wood pile, and a campfire. the scene being set, i shall now proceed with the dialogue.
vehicle noise in distance.
redneck#1 - woooo! it's the winabego!(sp)
me - *a what?*
rdn#2 - waren is a crazy dude.
rdn#3 - here he'll come in a minute, yaaah!
rdn#1 - wooooooo!
enter the winabego, an old awesome looking square camper going way to fast over the rocks. drives all around the vehicles, bouncing around over the bumps like....... a camper driving really fast through a bumpy field. warren leaps out. in a white cowboy hat.
rdn#3 - yeah warren!
warren - yeeeeeehaw, we started deepfrying the turkey yet?
rdn#2 - dude, where's the beer?

now imagine that same field, at dusk. a kid on a bike, you all know how it looks with daddy hanging on the the back of the seat cuz jr. hasn't learned balance yet. legs splayed out, daddy pushing for all he's worth. now make the kid loren, the bike a bright yellow croth rocket, daddy his boss. the reason for this? a dead battery. it was a great picture. don't forget the huge helmet bikers must wear. (actually i got to be on the back of the bike and it was lots of fun.)

now - a paunch, a pair of swim trunks, a farmer tan, a not yet middle age but not young anymore face, sandles, and maybe a can of something to drink. times 3. on a tailgate.

the last thing to imagine is me swimming. boy was that fun! and the turkey they cooked yesterday and today was awesome. hotsauce injected into the meat..... mmmmmmm.

i forgot to mention how i got to drive some awesome old tractors - like 60 years old or something. track things, cats in fact. with old plows behind, two stick brakes and two pedal brakes for steering. dude, it was cool. and i got to see a self-leveling combine pretend it was on a hill. like an old man falling over but first glueing his legs to the ground.
also, as i'm back in ab, my nosebleeds are back. my throat hurts from swallowing so much blood, and i've started to speculate on how gross it would be if i threw up around now.
those cats were da bomb!

some observations -
our old toyota van can do 130 at least. a tad hard to handle at those speeds, and probably unsafe, but heh. (the tendancy to wander increases, the feeling of almost taking off into the air but continually coming down to earth with a bump is much more distinct, the smell, the white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel needed to control things.....)
i saw my mother kiss dennis somewhat passionatly, and it was weird.
one should sleep outside away from the city whenever possible. the stars are stupendously amazing.
bill now only has 3 deoderants on his shelf, as opposed to 4.
i made my oldest brother very happy with only one dollar. go garage sales!
kris my haircut looks much better when i let it dry without combing it flat.
naomi gave me my bday gift already, a very nice red tank top with a maple leaf on it. all these free clothes i've been getting lately!
kevin would hate working on your farm kris. he likes organization and efficiancy and improvement. :)

selected scenes from the act entitled 'my mother got hitched' taken from the play called Life.

scene 4 - my relatives
dear uncle vic: my, this area is fertile.
cousin stephie: dad, how many times must i tell you that word has conotations?
duv: heehee, what fun to push your buttons.
cs: next thing you know he'll be talking about virgin forests!
duv: har har har.
[general laughter from the peanut gallery]

scene 11 - the aspirations of a dutch boy
sarah: who wants to go back to the house?
wins(db): are you going?
s: yes.
w: okay, i'll come.
s: *sotto voice(sp)* damn!
[exit s and w]
me: *singsong* wins likes sarah!
stephen: just what i was thinking.
mel: what do you know, i was gonna say that.
tina: dude, we all think alike!

scene 472 - across the praires
bright red skinny bug: looky dear, as awesome looking blue hippy van! i must have a closer look, i must, i mustaaaaaaaaaahhhhsplat!
bright red yellow fat bug: oh my dear, i cannot live without you, you are my world! i must follow! aaaaaaahhhsplat!
seethroughy yellow dwarfish bug: what? what happened? where'd they go? i must follow! ahhhhsplat!
horde of notverycoolplain clear bugs: look what the cool coloured bugs did! let's go! it's the fad. we must die to be cool....... one, two, three, all together now, aaahhhhsplat!
to slow wannabe bug: wait for me! i wanna come, wait! ahhhhhwoooosh oh my gosh i've invented windshield surfing without the death! i survived, look at me, guys! guys? hey, where'd they go? i'm alone in the world! ahhhhhhhhhhhsplat.