Lots of times my thoughts (and life) seem like a never ending rotting onion, to use a very clumsy metaphore. First, I can't get at them. Then I get at one layer, sort of. But it stinks, and it does not make much sense. If i try to get past that one, because I know I'm only scratching the surface, there's another layer that makes less sense. And so on. If I try going out and away instead and have no better luck. Each new layer just gets bigger and more complicated and muddier. I try to understand a simple thing, like an apple. And I can't. And I know that even if I were to know the exact molecular make up and how it works and grows and the whole biology of it, it wouldn't make sense. The only way it makes sense is going back to God, and is God understandable? No. And that's a small example that I can understand, in a relative manner of speaking.
Why is the sky blue?
Why do I, whenever someone is mad or sad, shrivel inside as though either it's my fault, or why can't I do anything. If it's my fault, I probably still can't understand it, because I can't get at my thoughts, my actions, their thoughts, their actions, and why can't I be perfect? If it's not my fault, I just feel helpless. Like listening to someone cry in the next room. There is no sound quite so heartbreaking and lonely. Why can't I fix it? It hurts like hell, and It may not even by my hurt. But it is, by virtue of association.
Finding my way is like hurling myself against a brick wall. Even if, by some lucky chance, I can figure out something I should do to make myself a better person, I can't get at how. Even more complicated is why. How do I pray? How does it help? How do I act? Like I do, or like veryone else thinks I should? When do I stick with what I think or want or do and when do I defer to other people's judgement, because of course they're wiser than me, if only because they are surer of themselves.
I have a core of self confidance that I've been grateful for. (except for when something comes around and I wonder if it's just a veneer) But now I feel as thought each passing day shows me more and more how much of an insignificant worm I really am. How stupid I am. How silly. How imature. How no one likes to hang out with me. (here my core comes in and I laugh and say 'ha! they're gonna hang out with me anyhow.') Do I fight it with good thoughts about my great wonderfulness(ha), or do I just say 'finaly I realize what I'm really like, how do I fix me so I'm like what everyone else thinks I should be?' Both, I think, bad and untrue. But are they? Even harder, is God tearing down my self confidence so he can make me who he wants? Is that what he means by 'A broken and a contrite heart'? If so, why can't we get there already?
I say 'I don't know' and 'whatever' a lot. because, I don't know. I try. It doesn't work. I try some more. I go in circles. What's clear to other people is NOT clear to me. I try, I suceed a bit, I get stuck again. Things go foggy. I can't reach things. I can't reach people. I can't reach God. I can't reach myself. I only hope God can still reach me.
Maybe I can sum this all up this way - how do I be who God wants me to be, NOT who people want me to be, and NOT who I wan't me to be. How? How? How? How? Damn this life, how?

It's a girl! And her name is Seanna. Yes, yes it is. How do you like that? Oh wait. This might sounds like she's mine. She's not. She's my sister's. :)