my brother is driving me up the wall. which is unfair to him. so are his kids, which is unfair to them. so are my parents, which is bloody fair to them. who thinks i should send them both the same letter telling them to smash their heads against a wall and grow up?
deap breath. give it to God and everything will be hunky dory, right? damn. God, are you listening? are you freaking there? i want a stupid sign. i great big neon lighted sign. 20 feet high, 60 feet long, if you please.
remember the starving kids in africa, right? how much worse they have it, right? well maybe they'll die and go to heaven and save themselves a world of pain.
maybe early menopause runs in he family. sarah's been having hot flashes. my moods are like the worlds biggest roller coaster. which really isn't that normal for me, in general. see, i already feel better. speaking of which, i've got an idea.

all right all my dear friends, guess what i did sat night? i went to a rodeo dance! wicked of me, eh? went with allysa and sarah and tina. (they're sisters, not my sarah and tina. siblings of the dude who owns this house. we left his birthday party to come.) allysa and sarah had to use the same ID cuz sarah's only 16, that was interesting. it was really to bad i don't know how to dance the twostep. i've never had the desire to before but it looked like lots of fun. and not just cuz i was drunk, cuz i wasn't. i'm certainly not a 100% country music fan but the music was great. people watching was fun, specially the dowdyish couple 2 feet away from us making out and the 50 year old lady who danced all night by herself.
anyway i had fun, especially since it was the first time i'd ever done something like that. would've been a lot funner if i'd known how to dance, as i've mentioned before..... i think i should take dancing lessons. but that would take money.

i want a fridge magnet that says
'only cowards cook on low!'
take that, oh dear mother of mine.

oh YEAH! i knew the mail'd start coming in soon. i got that 7 page letter from kris today with that cool thing in it. then i got a cd of barenacked ladies from stephen. then i got this awesome parcel on the bus from my home town! well, not from my home town, exactly, but from practically everyone in it. it even had a pair of sunglasses in it, probly the first i've ever owned.
i had a feeling it'd start pouring in today. i, am pumped!

okay folks, i am rich! stinking, filthy, rich. i have the grand total of 5 hundred and 50 dollars plus lose change. and that does not include my bank acount! my wallet won't close it's so full. and i'll be getting more each month. is that awesome or what? money may not make me happy, but it sure is nice to have!
i was on my way back home after a lovely jog/walk (i just love having the desire to run once in awhile. i's awesome!) and was about to climb the stairs when........ oops! wrong house! they all look the bloody same. the silly thing is, i did the same thing last summer while i was here. only that time i actually opened the door and started to walk in. have i mentioned my feelings for city life?
right now at this moment my biggest worry is how to get my creative juices working so i have ideas for more care packages. mel did have a good idea for me this morning though. i love that being my biggest worry.
i'm gonna go check the mail.

i had mcdonalds for lunch and i still feel yucky. that stuff is disgusting.
i feel like crap. and now that that is off my chest, i can get on to more cheerful things.
i was thinking last night how i have a rolling pin in my hopechest to add to kris' house when i move in with her (which i can hardly wait to do, by the way. it'll fix all my problems.) and then i was remembering where i got it. it was when we lived at wersigs(sp) house, (as opposed to the cat house, the strawberry house, the dairy, the river bottom, megnricks, etc) and i think there was 8 acres we were renting there. there was an acre or so of alfalfa that we could feed our animals and play in, bows and arrows being real good in there. there was a patch of christmas trees that were great for forts in the winter. there was a huge garden which included several fruit trees. one of the apple trees there was, i beleive, the only tree i ever fell out of. also in the garden was the gold wedding band of the old guy that owned the house, which he had lost many years earlier. i found it. we got a jar of cherry jam as thanks. (i thought it should've been a huge monetary reward, but heh.) there was also a goat pen, an this big old cool poultry pen thingy that was mostly empty but very cool and myserious to play in. and a play house, which the r kids and us spent many happy hours in making awful concoctions for our mothers to sample. speaking of them, they were over once when sunny, my goat, was about to have kids, so rach and i were sneaking around spying trying not to bother her and when we went in for lunch we got to tell our mothers all about the gooey mucusy stuff coming out her ass. not that we said 'ass', of course. (i could be more specific but i've probly grossed you guys out enough already) and there was this mother of a hole in the ground in the woods behind which was also very mysterious and cool. and the woods were awesome. across the road in the woods there, there was a great path that went forever and had a cave and cliffs.... the whole works. oh yes, the rolling pin. there was also a cabin in the back yard, with all kinds of old cool stuff in it. hence the rolling pin. OH, i almost forgot. there was a big old porch with aweful green fake grass on it, but it had a tree growing through it which made it just the coolest thing. except the squirels would come throw pinecones down at us while we were eating. they aimed, honest. and papa made this awesome tire swing with a loooong rope from one of the trees, and if i remember correctly it broke and sent rach flying at one point. and papa also made an awesome slide out of sheets of tin, really long.
you know, it's sounding like a childrens paradise. it's also sounding like i'm remembering it all as huge. i guess i was only 8 or 9.
so. those're my rememberings for today. that was one rockin' place!

i spent at least 15 minutes walking and running around the streets this evening trying to see the sunset over the houses. gah. beautiful night though. i even felt like running. (yay!) which is why i was running.......
today i cut my own hair. with a dull pair of scissors. just a few little adjustments here and there. i think it looks okay. my hair is very forgiving right now. think boys shaggy cut. sort of. with even that bit of curl. that's sort of how forgiving it is. didn't know i had curl in my hair till it was this lengh. it goes away if i actually brush my hair, but heh. dude, that is a lot of short sentances. i am very sorry.
i was sitting on the couch this afternoon craving cream of wheat and lamenting the fact that i'd have to go out and buy some (as opposed to grinding up some wheat corsely(sp) whith our handy dandy wheat grinder) when i heard allysa say something about porridge. so i went in the kitchen and there she was waving a box of the stuff around and saying she wanted some! so i had a lovely bowl. cream of wheat with cream, butter, honey, maybe a bit of milk....... hmmmmmhm.
i just watched an episode of that 70's show where kitty is pregnant. i've never seen a little kid running around though, so i wonder if it's just menopause skipping all the preliminaries. who knows. i should stop watching so much tv. then again, it's great mind numbing stuff. go tv!

okay, here goes my happy post - for real, not faked.
music - we went to the wave pool and i they were piping 'i want you to want me' over the sound system. it was great, cept it was near the end and i couldn't hear much anyhow. still great.
books - got a new stack from the library. aside from aiw, i thought i'd try some walt witman and dh lawrence. doubt i'll like either, but you never can tell. also i got a book on classical mythology, and a whole bunch of others. 4 or 5 wodehouse. (differant library, great collection of him)
siblings - my bro is weird. he was, like, always the rebel. crotch rockets, loud music, running away from cops at 240 kph..... now he's talking about getting him some pan flute music. he talks about the purpose driven life. he's always putting on generic worship music. he goes golfing. he's weird.
kris - yes, by all means, come watch seinfield with me. i'm sure they won't notice one more person in the house.........
i'm gonna go watch that 70's show and drink mint tea.

life sucks.
or i'm just experiancing my first ever heavy duty dose of pms, along with a cold that won't go away. who knows.
well okay either way life sucks. why couldn't i have been a guy? then i could pee in the bushes.
i was hearing about this person that i've known of most of my life. completely messed up. more than i guessed, even from seeing her respond like a brick wall.
if my nose is correct, a certain person in this house has been smoking pot. none of my relatives, don't worry. cuz none of my relys would ever do such a thing, right? haw. notice the thick layer of cynicisem(how the heck is that spelled?) in that last statement.
i think i should go upstairs and watch seinfeld. or take some painkillers. but i'm trying to outlast that desire, as i think my wrists are only hurting cuz i'm sick so it should go away eventually without the ehlp of anti inflamitories. i'm still mad at the dr who told me to take 2400 mgs of ibuprofen a day - i had to get a prescription for that much. it didn't work and it dulled my body to such things.
okay i am going to make the next post happier. i promise. even if it has to be fake. no more grumping for a couple of days on here. only excessive silliness from lack of sleep! 'she'll be coming around the mountain when she comes! she'll be coming around the mountain when she comes!' that just popped into my head and i thought it'd be a good place to start.
oh and thanks for letting me call last night kris. it was good to laugh. i'm gonna go write to my brother now and ask if he liked the movie.

alright. whether you like it or not you are going to hear about my day. my nose bled. for the 3rd or 4th time in a couple days. not just a little dribble, as soon as i took the kleenex away i got blood all over my clothes. so i lay down and soaked a couple tissues. i thought it was done, so i sat up and right off started choking on blood and dripping again. so i lay back down. and stu came up and sprayed me with a hose cuz he thought it would help. it was great. there was even blood in my mouth. oh wait, i should've made up a story about stu punching me in the nose during a fist fight. only problem with that is he's much to small to reach my nose. only thing he can reach is my belly button. he has made that bleed though, but that was just funny cuz it was my own fault i have a hole there.
so that has been my day so far. i love telling people things they don't want to hear. oh and i wrote elly a letter..... speaking of which, has anyone got my mail yet? what i sent out a couple days ago? probly not, as canada post is pathetic. maybe i should go watch tv. or read james joyce. i've read about him so finaly thought i'd see what he was like. sort of odd, not sure i'll get through the book i'm reading.

i am very proud of my niece and nephew. when we go to the park they spend most of their time eschewing the man made structures and playing hide and seek in the bushes around the park. yesterday we spent about 20 minutes kicking a ball around the soccer field and playing follow the leader along the white lines. they spend a good part of their day outsideplaying with whatever they find, more often rocks and trees and dirt than bikes. so, i think it shows what great characters they have. or that they're not city kids at heart. or that they have great relatives. :)
joking aside, i was very pleased to notice these things. makes my life easier as well.....

it's snowing.

'Cause we got a mighty convoy
Rockin' through the night.
Yeah we got a mighty convoy
Ain't she a beautiful sight?
C W McCall
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We don't need no education
We don't need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone!
All in all we're just another brick in the wall
All in all you're just another brink in the wall.
Pink Floyd
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there we are, the songs that've been going through my head. great taste i've got, eh? next time i go to the library i'm getting me some bach.

here i am in calgary. the kids are great - 'we hate being babysat! i don't like aunts babysitting me. i like kim! you aren't my boss.' :) seriously though, they are good, generally not acting on their threats. i took them to the playground today and hit my head 3 times cuz i forgot to duck under those abominaly low playground things. loren is very tired looking, and mel reminds me of a shell going through the motions. i don't like it but until there is something i can do besides pray i'll try not to worry.
i'm actually looking forward to sunday. it's either because of the opertunity to rub shoulders with someone other than disturbed family members or because the building blocks of my brain are finaly organizing themselves into some semblance of order. maybe i'll actually start being able to listen to sermons without wanting to run out screaming because my brain is throwing around 20 half baked opposing sides to whatever the minister is saying. i think i shall take time to try to list all the improvements i have noticed.
2 + 2 now equals 4 again, as long as i don't think to hard about what 2 means, what the plus sign means, etc.
i have been sleeping quite well, which may be due to my
meds, which finaly seem to be working. this allows me to think optimistically about the future a good deal of the time, as oposed to none of them time. it also allows me to not have to stick on a happy face so often in order to escape myself. the smiles are realer, the laughing less of a cover. laughing is still a way of coping, but even 'normal' people need that, right?
napping constantly is not such a priority now.
my thoughts may possibly be finding their way back to logical paths, rather than looking as hairy and confused as the nile delta.
i don't have to combat thoughts of suicide and self harm and dispair nearly as much. (don't worry, i was, to a certain extent, nearly always able to control how far my thoughts went. the fact that they scared me so much went a long way to insuring they stayed thoughts)
i'm starting to read again. mostly funny stuff though. (wodehouse rocks, elly! sarah and i have been killing ourselves laughing at him, and quoting him)
now for the things that aren't so hot. i feel like i'm looking at my life through one of those thingys where you click to see another pictures of someone elses life. memory, concentration, motivation, the ability to put thoughts into words coherantly. although this last just might be improving. whether or not you can understand this post will be a good indication. now for a bit of a ramble about this. why is it so hard to take the sensations of all 6 senses, thoughts, religous experiances, emotions.... and describe them to other people, by means of art, literature, music, words, gestures and such. sometimes things march along nicely - you see something, it gives an impression. which may turn into feelings, emotions, maybe then thoughts. then you recreate all these things in a painting, a piece of music, a poem, a novel, a(n) eulagy(sp), a hug......... passing the sensation on. giving other people a chance to experiance the same thing. my problem is my thoughts are such a plethora(right word?) of mumbo jumbo images, criss crossing, jumping around, swirling through tunnels, and generaly reducung me to ineffectual stutters and gestures when trying to relate them to other people. and they contradict themselves. and argue. and swim out of sight, reapear, and leave forever. i suppose even the most talented don't always get it. anyone ever tried to find the 'right' interpretation of a story in english? also, maybe everyone's thoughts do the same. anyone read 'waves' by... virginia something? i don't remember. but at first i thought dude, she's wacked. then i thought wait, she's just trying to put into words what she's thinking, by writing whatever. then i thought, if this is the best she can do, that clinches it. it's impossible. bloody impossible. which probably explains a lot of insanity and dispair and suicide in the world. which is also maybe partly why beleiving (even when i can't beleive) in such an insane things as a God who loves me is sane in comparison.
wow, that was long. one question. did it make sense? specially that last part. if it did great. if not, i'm not so far as i thought. :)