due to a somewhat bizare chain of events, which weren't really events but things, or people, or thoughts, i cleaned house yesterday. which may sound wacked, but when one is all wound up at life one must do something. the sinks are now as shiny as they ever will be. i hauled a garbage bag full of garbage out. i stacked records. i stuck magazines in a box. i did dishes. i did laundry. i put unused shoes in a box. i put all my craft stuff in a box. i threw stuff in my room to await the day my next piano student shows up, when i must clean that. i swept. i scrubbed the counter.
and i was still twitchy after the concert in the evening. just ask kris. but i did feel better. also, the house looks better. fit for christmas parties, even.
if we have them in the next couple days. because if we don't it'll be messy again.
c

Things to know -
#1 Thing - Do unto other's daughters as you would have them do unto yours.
#2 Thing - Cows that look crazy, act crazy, and probably are crazy, can still be called Bessy.

Thing to ponder - If one is walking past a cow, and one's eyes see a person, and one jumps, yelps, and looks wildly about, does that make one crazy? What if it happens twice?

Flying, falling.
Can one choose?
Can one even tell?
Will God help us? Will we let Him.
'God helps those who help themselves.' Or, 'Not by works, lest any man should boast.'
Is it possible to stay on the edge of the cliff and not take the leap. The leap we call life. 'Helping' ourselves by staying put. The unknown, peering down into perceived emptiness, imagining the horrers. Knives, pills, ropes, waiting. Waiting to destroy us by our weakness. Our pain. Our humanity.
'They that are whole have no need of a physician, but they that are sick.'
Or are we all just suspended in that moment - holding our breath, spending eternity waiting for the verdict. Cartoon caracters running off a presipice but not yet realizing gravity.
Some people fall. It doesn't bear thinking about, that. Only a prayer, a prayer for their souls. For our own.
Oh my Father who art in heaven, give me wings that I might fly!

I love writing notes. And recieving them. Don't know why. Always have, I think. Whiteboard notes, paper notes, notes for other people, notes I've written, notes for me. For me especially. They make me feel all warm and cozy inside. This would be why I write Kris notes even when I probably don't need to. I just like to.

What I put into this last weekend -
Gas money.
Some eggs.
Some granola bars.
Time.
Money put into gifts.

What I got out of this weekend -
A bruise on my but.
A speeding warning from the RCMP.
A wonderful weekend with friends and family.
The look on Eli's face when she saw me(us).
The satisfaction of a job well done - we kept the secret! Dang well, too, if you ask me.

Am I the only one who gets paranoid about people talking about me? I hear some people talking about 'she', and I get twitchy, even if there's no reason for them to be talking about me. Does this happen to everyone?
Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAH!
Now I'm gonna go finish some e-mailing, and then look for a whole bunch of cd's and books and maybe tapes to get out of this lovely institution called the Library. Books are good. Cd's are good. Tapes are good. Books are best. Do I hear an Amen from the peanut gallery?

*sings* DO THE HAPPY HIPPo HOP, DO THE HAPPY HIPPO HOP. DO THE HAPPY HIPPO HOP, DO THE HIPPO HOP! DO THE HAPPY HIPPO HOP, DO THE HAPPY HIPPO HOP. DO THE HAPPY HIPPO HOP, DO THE HIPPO
HOP!!!!

Alright folks, here is an anouncement.
In Febuary, in The Year of Our Lord 2006, I, Cor, am going to wean myself off of my medication. Unless of course all the unlesses maked that impossible. Say, perhaps, the powers that be have a really really dang good reason i should stay on them longer. Me being the judge of how good the reason is, of course. It will have been a good 6 months by then since it finaly started to work well, 8 or 9 since it started working a bit. It'd better work. I am determined that it will. So that's that. And don't anyone tell me stories about how most people have to stay on anti-depressants for years. I personally t hink my life can use a bit of optimism and determination.

aaah, vivaldi.
aaah, highspeed at my fingertips for a whole week.
aaah, being in the country.
aaah, fall. (if summer is determined to leave, i may as well enjoy fall. so don't crash my moment of being optimistic, anyone. it'll leave soon enough as it is.)
************
you know when people in books and such go on about how nice silenc eis with friends cuz one just knows what the other is thinking and it's like comunicating silently? well. i'm a big fan of silence between friends. but one is not always aware of what the other is thinking. one is often very self-absorbed. even when one does thinking about what the thoughts of the other person might be, one is often wrong. so there.
why oh why is this post not showing up unless i go into my acount? pete saw it, so maybe everyone but me can see it. why oh why?

O.k. Cor. First of all, I don't feel like answering that in the comment box. So you can delete this, and tell me to quit posting in your blog, if you want. And I really wouldn't be hurt or anything. Does that sound like a catty girl?
Though, to be quite honest. I don't think you're that far off. But I don't like to admit it. In some ways, and I hate to say this, it wouldn't hurt us to grow up. I don't think it's all selfish badness on our part. Because sometimes people just change and grow apart. But I have recognized cattiness, of sorts. I know I can be mildly manipulative. And agree with people behind third persons back. There are some games. And I hate it.
Not that everything is nastiness on our part. Because people do naturally change and grow apart. But can that only be blamed so far? We've got such history as a group. You guys have been my friends forever.
Is it possible to get too comfortable around each other?
I wouldn't really think of the teasing being a problem. Or do you sometimes think that some of us (Eli and I) are ganging up on you? I try not to. It's maybe the talking about each other that's more of a problem. It's so easy to water the weaknesses we see in each other when we're talking to another of a group. Do you think? So dang simple to "rant" about another person. And tear each other down.
I mean, it's not like we could or should stop talking about each other. It's part of being in a group. But at a point we start complaining about each other. And that's not so cool.
And competition. We all want to be liked. And we want to feel like we're liked as much as everybody else. So I think we subconciously pout when we see how close others are. Can't we just all have fun around each other?
And tolerance? At what level? Accepting (non moral) differances. I need to work on it. Because stuff bugs me and I can't let it go. I figure I'm probably the worst for that though.
Sometimes I really moan my gender. Can't we fight things out. Throw a few good punches, and then shake hands.
Anyway, the last issue. Confronting each other. You know I'm going to be an advocate of that. And it's probably not my weakness. But think of it. wouldn't you way rather have somebody come to you with an issue? I know I would. Although I don't get hurt too easily. And I'd much rather have people know what I think about them to them, instead of only to everyone else. But maybe that's just me. So much less stress.
Good for you. That you face this, and bring it up. And say maybe this needs to change.
I hope we can all just say friends forever. I love you guys. And even if we can't, we've got memories. Just don't let things end on a negative!

what i've been trying to figure out lately, this mostly applies to kris as opposed to ell and ess, is if we the people who are good friends in our small town - are we pushing each other away? remember when rach was talking about us saying nasty things about other people, not that, but ourselves. i don't know, i can't tell really, but sometimes i wonder. our teasing of each other and talking about each other, does it get out of hand sometimes? or we not accepting of each other enough? also, in a similar vein, should we be confronting each other more about stuff? in fact, and to sum all this drivel up, are we being girly and catty?
so if that makes any sense, your thoughts please. i'm trying to hurry cuz i've only got so much time. like i say i'm not sure, so kris, astound us with your intellect. :)

woooo! here i am! i think i sent my mass letter to you guys so you can read that if you want to know about camp. it was great and one of my friends from there might even come visit me. i also have a snail mail for you elly and i'm gonna write one to ess and then i'll send it.
today kris and john and i cleaned the mould out of the freezer. good to get that done.
i have a funeral on saturday, i have one syudent pinned down to a time and 3 or 4 more still trying to figure out schedules.
it's great weather out.
and that, ladies and guys, is my life. go me! maybe i'll get a deaper version of it next time. i'll think on that.

Dear reader's of Cor's blog:
I don't know about you, but I am getting horrendously bored of the post on Shakespeare and the nine comments on it. Consequently, I have decided to apologize for the lack of activity around this place.
See. I am Kris. I have decided quite simply to bring you some insight into Cor's so called life. Which is actually slightly more like a life then it has been in a while. Despite Shakepeare and what ho shirts. And although it might not make her blog much more exciting, it can't be any worse then her absence. Can it? O.k. Forget that.
To put things basically, Cor is now self sufficient. For the most part. This is applicable, despite her often stated plans of making her Dad buy her things. She manages this by living cheaply with an old friend who is now her roomie. The friend part may or may not continue to be a correct use of term. Only time will tell.
This particular roomie. Well, she's cool. She's got exceptional taste, she's fun, and easy going, and doesn't clean her kitchen. It's me, to be exact. But where was I taking this? Oh yes, she's to cheap to buy a computer. Either that or she simply can't afford it. So Cor is stuck with the library and occasional generosity of friends. It's been a while since she's had the time to surf around trying to find stuff to do. Like comment on your blog, or post in hers. At least that's the way it seems to me.
However, she isn't even home right now. She went off to counsel at camp. I don't know much about her camp life. But she seems to enjoy it enough. She's also staying with a friend for a bit, I think. But I don't know much about what she does when she's away. Or even when she's coming back. She's very vague on such issues.
She wears lots of plaid shirts and won't give me her stripey skirt even though she never wears it. She saved three cents by buying the cheapest shampoo. Recently she has occasionally tried new things and expanded her horizons. Which she was never open to when she was fifteen. She'll never take blame for anything, like breaking my fridge. She sleeps on the floor where the dust gives her allergies. She doesn't sound so fake when she laughs anymore. But she can get in bad moods which make the rest of us snarly. She's living in different circumstances now then ever before. So things will change.
Lastly, she's probably getting over her internet addiction.
This has been a brief update on Cor's life. Even if extremely dull. I could tell you a great many more things. But I think I'd best leave it here. Shut-up. I don't like people yawning at my writing.
Kris
As a disclaimer, none of the above opinions have been officially accepted by Corrianne herself. I have posted here without any permission on her behalf, which comes from her giving me her password. So she might be mad, but I think she'll get a kick out of it. To be short, you might be asked to forget you read this. Cor is, of course, welcome to delete this off her blog if she finds it as ridiculous as you do.

i forgot to mention that i, oh lucky me, have now seen a play by that most greatest of all playwrights, william shakespeare himself. live. okay, it was in a park. okay, the actors weren't world class. so what! it was great. and it was with two of my favourite people, my dear sister sarah and my good freind kris. hurrah for me!

first, it was an awesome weekend!
second, i got a nice view of calgary from one end to the other on foot this morning. stupid transit system was down. well, not all of it. but still. there was downtown, and then there was where the tracks curved and the druggies...... two guys yelled something at me (don't know what) and this other guy was lieing there almost naked looking all yellow and red and swollen and smoking something and shaking. convulsing, actually. i just walked fast and kept my knife handy and didn't actually worry to much for some reason. maybe i was too woozy from the bus trip. which wasn't to bad, but it was all night. and i was so late when i got to where i was going on the train mel wasn't there to pick me up anymore so i had to walk again. in all about an hour and a half. not bad, but i was getting hungry and tired. i felt really smelly when i got back. stupid dirty city air.
you've heard about the mysterious bites that ess and i suffered on our lower extremities.
you've heard about the great shirt painting. my sisters will be jelous.
kris, you should see the church they go to. the people look like we used to look like. scary, eh? i agreed with quite a lot of the sermon though, and i was most deffinatly a blessing to the people there. i even made one of the girls' eyes pop out with the full count of kids in the family. that was fun.
i made the dog bark.
i swam in their pool, which isn't a cold as they think it is. :)
i watched casablanca today on tv. i've never seen it before, just heard of it. it was.... interesting. now i know who humphry bogart is. i think.
thanks again for having me! it was great. come see us soon!

things i have learned lately.
a paper cup filled with icetea and left on a dashboard will leak after a couple days.
when most people talk about the Baldwins they are not talking about piano makers.
mel gibson looks really funny in an 80's haircut.
when you say albert camus the way i think it's supposed to be pronounced, it sounds like ALbatross, BEAR, CAmel, MOOse.

person a
very depressed, almost dangerously so, but not quite. fighting very hard, as far as possible, to keep it that way. brain tries to tell p.a. that there is no God, the world makes no sense, give up trying to find Him, etc.. a lot of time spent trying to shut off said brain, or fighting it. the energy to fight very effectivly may not be there, but the desire to and the effort is there.
a quote from The First Man, by Albert Camus
'All that was left was this anguished heart, eager to live, rebelling against the deadly order of the world that had been with him for forty years, and still struggling agaist the wall that separated him from the secret of all life, wanting to go farther, to go beyong, and to discover, discover before dying, discoverat last in order to be, just once to be, for a single second, but forever.'
this is a fairly good (if somewhat dramatized) description of p.a.'s condition, just lacking to energy to strive as fully as wanted and needed. also, p.a. cares. very much so.
what is person a to do? take meds so he/she can become like
person b,
who is not nearly so depressed. more energy, mental capacities better, in many ways. more content with life, more relaxed. risk of suicide practically non-exsistant. many aspects of normal life returned. the problem - no fight. all depth and spiritual fight seems to have gone in p.b., the desire to make God listen. caring seems to have fled. not truly, but sort of. almost as though the superficial layer of life has grown and taken over all of the realness it can(not all of it. one hopes that will never completely be destroyed.) and has thus become reality, much of the time. the thing to do, obviously, is to enjoy and relax in the good things, and try to fight to get that infamous fight back. but -
my friends, which is better? which would you choose? it's not as though person b has turned God away - just forgets about Him through sheer spiritual spinelessness on a regular basis.
and i can't even really say this is me then and me now, as i seem to have taken that verse 'we see through a glass darkly' to a whole new level when it comes to figuring out my life. i dunno. not i dunno and i want to know, but whatthehellidunnoidon'tcare. see the problem? so the point of this paragraph is, don't think of it as me so much as a hypothetical situation that you may be in and what would you do?
i'm gonna go ride bikes with the kids. as in 'dang it gemma, you are only allowed to run into my vehicle, not the neighbours! stu! look where you're going! aren't you glad that car was looking?'

imagine - i fieldish thing, but bumpy, with scrubby bushes, blue and orange wildflowers, trees and rockpiles in the background, etc. wild looking, in a way, and quite beautiful, if that word fits. one old camper trailer, a few newer lookatmei'mcool trucks, a wood pile, and a campfire. the scene being set, i shall now proceed with the dialogue.
vehicle noise in distance.
redneck#1 - woooo! it's the winabego!(sp)
me - *a what?*
rdn#2 - waren is a crazy dude.
rdn#3 - here he'll come in a minute, yaaah!
rdn#1 - wooooooo!
enter the winabego, an old awesome looking square camper going way to fast over the rocks. drives all around the vehicles, bouncing around over the bumps like....... a camper driving really fast through a bumpy field. warren leaps out. in a white cowboy hat.
rdn#3 - yeah warren!
warren - yeeeeeehaw, we started deepfrying the turkey yet?
rdn#2 - dude, where's the beer?

now imagine that same field, at dusk. a kid on a bike, you all know how it looks with daddy hanging on the the back of the seat cuz jr. hasn't learned balance yet. legs splayed out, daddy pushing for all he's worth. now make the kid loren, the bike a bright yellow croth rocket, daddy his boss. the reason for this? a dead battery. it was a great picture. don't forget the huge helmet bikers must wear. (actually i got to be on the back of the bike and it was lots of fun.)

now - a paunch, a pair of swim trunks, a farmer tan, a not yet middle age but not young anymore face, sandles, and maybe a can of something to drink. times 3. on a tailgate.

the last thing to imagine is me swimming. boy was that fun! and the turkey they cooked yesterday and today was awesome. hotsauce injected into the meat..... mmmmmmm.

i forgot to mention how i got to drive some awesome old tractors - like 60 years old or something. track things, cats in fact. with old plows behind, two stick brakes and two pedal brakes for steering. dude, it was cool. and i got to see a self-leveling combine pretend it was on a hill. like an old man falling over but first glueing his legs to the ground.
also, as i'm back in ab, my nosebleeds are back. my throat hurts from swallowing so much blood, and i've started to speculate on how gross it would be if i threw up around now.
those cats were da bomb!

some observations -
our old toyota van can do 130 at least. a tad hard to handle at those speeds, and probably unsafe, but heh. (the tendancy to wander increases, the feeling of almost taking off into the air but continually coming down to earth with a bump is much more distinct, the smell, the white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel needed to control things.....)
i saw my mother kiss dennis somewhat passionatly, and it was weird.
one should sleep outside away from the city whenever possible. the stars are stupendously amazing.
bill now only has 3 deoderants on his shelf, as opposed to 4.
i made my oldest brother very happy with only one dollar. go garage sales!
kris my haircut looks much better when i let it dry without combing it flat.
naomi gave me my bday gift already, a very nice red tank top with a maple leaf on it. all these free clothes i've been getting lately!
kevin would hate working on your farm kris. he likes organization and efficiancy and improvement. :)

selected scenes from the act entitled 'my mother got hitched' taken from the play called Life.

scene 4 - my relatives
dear uncle vic: my, this area is fertile.
cousin stephie: dad, how many times must i tell you that word has conotations?
duv: heehee, what fun to push your buttons.
cs: next thing you know he'll be talking about virgin forests!
duv: har har har.
[general laughter from the peanut gallery]

scene 11 - the aspirations of a dutch boy
sarah: who wants to go back to the house?
wins(db): are you going?
s: yes.
w: okay, i'll come.
s: *sotto voice(sp)* damn!
[exit s and w]
me: *singsong* wins likes sarah!
stephen: just what i was thinking.
mel: what do you know, i was gonna say that.
tina: dude, we all think alike!

scene 472 - across the praires
bright red skinny bug: looky dear, as awesome looking blue hippy van! i must have a closer look, i must, i mustaaaaaaaaaahhhhsplat!
bright red yellow fat bug: oh my dear, i cannot live without you, you are my world! i must follow! aaaaaaahhhsplat!
seethroughy yellow dwarfish bug: what? what happened? where'd they go? i must follow! ahhhhsplat!
horde of notverycoolplain clear bugs: look what the cool coloured bugs did! let's go! it's the fad. we must die to be cool....... one, two, three, all together now, aaahhhhsplat!
to slow wannabe bug: wait for me! i wanna come, wait! ahhhhhwoooosh oh my gosh i've invented windshield surfing without the death! i survived, look at me, guys! guys? hey, where'd they go? i'm alone in the world! ahhhhhhhhhhhsplat.

gonna give our computer back to the school today. might get on the library or not, we'll see. g'bye!

okay, it's been awhile, so i'll give you the highlights.
i'm back home, had a great grad party, learned some traditional dance steps, sleepovers, etc.
slept on kris' roof last night. sirens went by sometime after midnight, but we never did figure out why. sun woke us up at 4:30, so we lay there and swatted at mosquitos and then went back to sleep. speaking of which, they're huge this year.
kris' car stalled out on rach's driveway and rolled down and she stopped it in a big mud puddle and it took for ever to start.
kris was squeamish about swimming in the channel. said it had cow poo in it.
it was very very hot today, and it did not rain.
we rode horses again and nobody fell off.
we moved most of my stuff across the road. just my piano and other random junk left.
sarah is working very hard. yay for sarah!
i am tired and sunburned and happy.

i had another weird dream last night. i was suddenly engaged, and i'm pretty sure it was stephen, although i don't think he actually entered my dream. anyhow, we had both rings picked out already, but were still in the process of finding diamonds for them. they both needed some for some reason. then i realized how young i was, how short a time i'd been going out with him, and started panicking. and then, if it wasn't already weird enough, i told everyone i wasn't actually engaged i'd just dreamt i was. but i'm not sure if i made it up or if i really had dreamt inside a dream, or remembered a dream inside a dream, or if i'd made up the dream but started believing it to get me out of an sticky situation.
i watched M*A*S*H last night at midnight, and i laughed very hard. i'll have to try it again to see if it was the lateness or if it's really that good.
i mean to go for a longish walk in a few minutes, and i was thinking about it, and how i might stop in somewhere and get some icecream or hot chocolate. then i thought 'damn, that's no fun by myself' and suddenly missed home cuz i wanted to drag my sister with me or run over to kris' house or something. boohoo for me. not that the socialization is bad here. i hang out with loren and bill sometimes, inocent things like playing board games and going out for wings and going to church, and then sometimes i hang out with mel and allyssa, and sarah and tina (again, not mine) and that may not be always so innocent, at least not in the eyes of loren and bill, but it's all fun. not the same as home, but i'm lucky. new city, old friends. if i'm careful i can continue to hang out with both camps. good boys, bad girls. :) or good boys, bad girls. which ever way you look at it, if you catch my drift. that's a lot easier to do in person, make differant meanings out of the same words.
i'm gonna go take that walk. in my brand new runners! speaking of which, i don't want to throw my old ones out. they smell so....... smelly. kind of horsy. like i've worn them for 5 years and they've done a nice job of retainng memories without to much nasties.

my brother just bought me new runners. 120$ shoes for 50$. crazy, eh? i have grip now though, and more waterproofness. it actually started with my duct taped sandels, he said he was gonna buy me some new ones, and there was a sale at sport chek, 2 for 99$. but there were no sandels, so i said heh, new runners'd work as well, mine are old....... besides, i'd feel really weird wearing 50$ sandels. even if the regular price was 80$. i kid you not. it's a crazy world out there.

dan i have some beeder budder?
i want a danona bar.
dorrianne, do you know daren and al and daleb?

this is how gemma talks. and she separates all her syllables with a breath it seems like. it's quite funny, when it's not slow and painful. i took them to the park to puddle jump again today, and when we were done stu's collar was dry, and that's about it. i even got him to lie down with his face in the mud which was pretty great. they insisted on a shower after though. those kids have way to much fun in the shower and i say it's un-natural.

i've got to stop picking at my face. in Girl Inerupted the head doc says it's a sign of a phsyco/depressive/maniac/anxiety case or something. what say you? is that me? *g* by the way, that book is REALLY depressing. i only got through about one chapter.

neighbours are having a party. smells good, their steaks.
sitting in the livingroom.
smell of pot.
must be neighbours.
investigate by going out to the porch.
smell of loren bbqing overpowering pot before i get out there.
run into sliding doors on way out, bump on head.
make note to self not to ever smoke the stuff, if just one wiff makes me run into doors.
oh yeah, i run into things anyhow.
get my sorry clumsy ass outside.
loren grins and says - smells like *insert name of hometown here which, being in bc, is pot central* out here.
realize my nose is acting up and only if i turn my head the right way can i smell the smell i originally came to investigate.
even though it must reek, since the dudes are, like, 20 feet away smoking the stuff.
they have freaking kids over there at their party.
damn them.
use it, but don't make your little kids high from your smoke!
freaks.
but at least they're having fun!
right?
last i checked blue jays were beating oakland 2-0.
both solo home runs, i think.
yay for the hamburger i'm gonna eat!

you know when people in movies freeze time while they rob a bank or something? (inspector gadget, i beleive) well i was just watching a comercial where they did that, and i realized that if you froze time, everything would freeze up and you wouldn't be able to move anything in the frozen area., right? and if that's so, you couldn't even walk through the area, as the air would be frozen. and if i remember my science correctly, air is something, not nothing. :) just a weird thougt i had while watching tv.
last night i thought, someone walking into a bar and sitting down and saying 'got milk?' would be a great comercial for milk.
people are always trying to be bigger than themselves, right? we've always dreamed of flying. even now people are still trying to invent personal flying devices. hang gliding, bungee jumping..... any kind of extreme sport. any kind of sport period. dancing, music, art, love, ambition, even just trying to live ones life in such a way as to make someone else's world a bit better, and therefor your own. i quote kris - 'yelling and pounding and needing to be free.' - how many of us have wanted to just burst our lungs out in moments of extreme emotion? probably all of us. you know when you feel you just have to either fly or burst, scream or bust? when you wish we did get multiple lives just so we could try everything? some more things from literature to prove it's not just me, or just us, or just the young or weird. 'oh to have wings like a dove! far away would i fly. in the wilderness build me a nest, and remain there forever at rest.' psalms 55. anyone read cs lewis' suprised by joy? his discription of joy is that feeling of biggness, of bursting, of everything being just...... wow. you know when it's there for a second and then it's gone and you're left wanting it forever but knowing it'd probably bo way to big to sustain. in this world anyhow. which brings me to my conclusion, i think. it seems to me this wanting more, wanting to be 'bigger than life', is one of the biggest reasons to beleive in an after life. people have always beleived in some sort of heaven. why? partly because we hate the thought of this universe being deprived of our excelant selves forever(haha), but i suspect mostly because the belief in an afterlife is usualy the belief that after we're dead there's something greater, something better. why would we want something more, if this was all we've got? (i believe phillip yancey's book 'rumours of another world' deals with this in more depths than i could ever do, but i've only read a bit of it) of course lots of people would say we're just a bunch of delusioned idiots running around wasting t he time we have preparing for what's not there. but if that's so i think i'm happier being delusioned.

my brother is driving me up the wall. which is unfair to him. so are his kids, which is unfair to them. so are my parents, which is bloody fair to them. who thinks i should send them both the same letter telling them to smash their heads against a wall and grow up?
deap breath. give it to God and everything will be hunky dory, right? damn. God, are you listening? are you freaking there? i want a stupid sign. i great big neon lighted sign. 20 feet high, 60 feet long, if you please.
remember the starving kids in africa, right? how much worse they have it, right? well maybe they'll die and go to heaven and save themselves a world of pain.
maybe early menopause runs in he family. sarah's been having hot flashes. my moods are like the worlds biggest roller coaster. which really isn't that normal for me, in general. see, i already feel better. speaking of which, i've got an idea.

all right all my dear friends, guess what i did sat night? i went to a rodeo dance! wicked of me, eh? went with allysa and sarah and tina. (they're sisters, not my sarah and tina. siblings of the dude who owns this house. we left his birthday party to come.) allysa and sarah had to use the same ID cuz sarah's only 16, that was interesting. it was really to bad i don't know how to dance the twostep. i've never had the desire to before but it looked like lots of fun. and not just cuz i was drunk, cuz i wasn't. i'm certainly not a 100% country music fan but the music was great. people watching was fun, specially the dowdyish couple 2 feet away from us making out and the 50 year old lady who danced all night by herself.
anyway i had fun, especially since it was the first time i'd ever done something like that. would've been a lot funner if i'd known how to dance, as i've mentioned before..... i think i should take dancing lessons. but that would take money.

i want a fridge magnet that says
'only cowards cook on low!'
take that, oh dear mother of mine.

oh YEAH! i knew the mail'd start coming in soon. i got that 7 page letter from kris today with that cool thing in it. then i got a cd of barenacked ladies from stephen. then i got this awesome parcel on the bus from my home town! well, not from my home town, exactly, but from practically everyone in it. it even had a pair of sunglasses in it, probly the first i've ever owned.
i had a feeling it'd start pouring in today. i, am pumped!

okay folks, i am rich! stinking, filthy, rich. i have the grand total of 5 hundred and 50 dollars plus lose change. and that does not include my bank acount! my wallet won't close it's so full. and i'll be getting more each month. is that awesome or what? money may not make me happy, but it sure is nice to have!
i was on my way back home after a lovely jog/walk (i just love having the desire to run once in awhile. i's awesome!) and was about to climb the stairs when........ oops! wrong house! they all look the bloody same. the silly thing is, i did the same thing last summer while i was here. only that time i actually opened the door and started to walk in. have i mentioned my feelings for city life?
right now at this moment my biggest worry is how to get my creative juices working so i have ideas for more care packages. mel did have a good idea for me this morning though. i love that being my biggest worry.
i'm gonna go check the mail.

i had mcdonalds for lunch and i still feel yucky. that stuff is disgusting.
i feel like crap. and now that that is off my chest, i can get on to more cheerful things.
i was thinking last night how i have a rolling pin in my hopechest to add to kris' house when i move in with her (which i can hardly wait to do, by the way. it'll fix all my problems.) and then i was remembering where i got it. it was when we lived at wersigs(sp) house, (as opposed to the cat house, the strawberry house, the dairy, the river bottom, megnricks, etc) and i think there was 8 acres we were renting there. there was an acre or so of alfalfa that we could feed our animals and play in, bows and arrows being real good in there. there was a patch of christmas trees that were great for forts in the winter. there was a huge garden which included several fruit trees. one of the apple trees there was, i beleive, the only tree i ever fell out of. also in the garden was the gold wedding band of the old guy that owned the house, which he had lost many years earlier. i found it. we got a jar of cherry jam as thanks. (i thought it should've been a huge monetary reward, but heh.) there was also a goat pen, an this big old cool poultry pen thingy that was mostly empty but very cool and myserious to play in. and a play house, which the r kids and us spent many happy hours in making awful concoctions for our mothers to sample. speaking of them, they were over once when sunny, my goat, was about to have kids, so rach and i were sneaking around spying trying not to bother her and when we went in for lunch we got to tell our mothers all about the gooey mucusy stuff coming out her ass. not that we said 'ass', of course. (i could be more specific but i've probly grossed you guys out enough already) and there was this mother of a hole in the ground in the woods behind which was also very mysterious and cool. and the woods were awesome. across the road in the woods there, there was a great path that went forever and had a cave and cliffs.... the whole works. oh yes, the rolling pin. there was also a cabin in the back yard, with all kinds of old cool stuff in it. hence the rolling pin. OH, i almost forgot. there was a big old porch with aweful green fake grass on it, but it had a tree growing through it which made it just the coolest thing. except the squirels would come throw pinecones down at us while we were eating. they aimed, honest. and papa made this awesome tire swing with a loooong rope from one of the trees, and if i remember correctly it broke and sent rach flying at one point. and papa also made an awesome slide out of sheets of tin, really long.
you know, it's sounding like a childrens paradise. it's also sounding like i'm remembering it all as huge. i guess i was only 8 or 9.
so. those're my rememberings for today. that was one rockin' place!

i spent at least 15 minutes walking and running around the streets this evening trying to see the sunset over the houses. gah. beautiful night though. i even felt like running. (yay!) which is why i was running.......
today i cut my own hair. with a dull pair of scissors. just a few little adjustments here and there. i think it looks okay. my hair is very forgiving right now. think boys shaggy cut. sort of. with even that bit of curl. that's sort of how forgiving it is. didn't know i had curl in my hair till it was this lengh. it goes away if i actually brush my hair, but heh. dude, that is a lot of short sentances. i am very sorry.
i was sitting on the couch this afternoon craving cream of wheat and lamenting the fact that i'd have to go out and buy some (as opposed to grinding up some wheat corsely(sp) whith our handy dandy wheat grinder) when i heard allysa say something about porridge. so i went in the kitchen and there she was waving a box of the stuff around and saying she wanted some! so i had a lovely bowl. cream of wheat with cream, butter, honey, maybe a bit of milk....... hmmmmmhm.
i just watched an episode of that 70's show where kitty is pregnant. i've never seen a little kid running around though, so i wonder if it's just menopause skipping all the preliminaries. who knows. i should stop watching so much tv. then again, it's great mind numbing stuff. go tv!

okay, here goes my happy post - for real, not faked.
music - we went to the wave pool and i they were piping 'i want you to want me' over the sound system. it was great, cept it was near the end and i couldn't hear much anyhow. still great.
books - got a new stack from the library. aside from aiw, i thought i'd try some walt witman and dh lawrence. doubt i'll like either, but you never can tell. also i got a book on classical mythology, and a whole bunch of others. 4 or 5 wodehouse. (differant library, great collection of him)
siblings - my bro is weird. he was, like, always the rebel. crotch rockets, loud music, running away from cops at 240 kph..... now he's talking about getting him some pan flute music. he talks about the purpose driven life. he's always putting on generic worship music. he goes golfing. he's weird.
kris - yes, by all means, come watch seinfield with me. i'm sure they won't notice one more person in the house.........
i'm gonna go watch that 70's show and drink mint tea.

life sucks.
or i'm just experiancing my first ever heavy duty dose of pms, along with a cold that won't go away. who knows.
well okay either way life sucks. why couldn't i have been a guy? then i could pee in the bushes.
i was hearing about this person that i've known of most of my life. completely messed up. more than i guessed, even from seeing her respond like a brick wall.
if my nose is correct, a certain person in this house has been smoking pot. none of my relatives, don't worry. cuz none of my relys would ever do such a thing, right? haw. notice the thick layer of cynicisem(how the heck is that spelled?) in that last statement.
i think i should go upstairs and watch seinfeld. or take some painkillers. but i'm trying to outlast that desire, as i think my wrists are only hurting cuz i'm sick so it should go away eventually without the ehlp of anti inflamitories. i'm still mad at the dr who told me to take 2400 mgs of ibuprofen a day - i had to get a prescription for that much. it didn't work and it dulled my body to such things.
okay i am going to make the next post happier. i promise. even if it has to be fake. no more grumping for a couple of days on here. only excessive silliness from lack of sleep! 'she'll be coming around the mountain when she comes! she'll be coming around the mountain when she comes!' that just popped into my head and i thought it'd be a good place to start.
oh and thanks for letting me call last night kris. it was good to laugh. i'm gonna go write to my brother now and ask if he liked the movie.

alright. whether you like it or not you are going to hear about my day. my nose bled. for the 3rd or 4th time in a couple days. not just a little dribble, as soon as i took the kleenex away i got blood all over my clothes. so i lay down and soaked a couple tissues. i thought it was done, so i sat up and right off started choking on blood and dripping again. so i lay back down. and stu came up and sprayed me with a hose cuz he thought it would help. it was great. there was even blood in my mouth. oh wait, i should've made up a story about stu punching me in the nose during a fist fight. only problem with that is he's much to small to reach my nose. only thing he can reach is my belly button. he has made that bleed though, but that was just funny cuz it was my own fault i have a hole there.
so that has been my day so far. i love telling people things they don't want to hear. oh and i wrote elly a letter..... speaking of which, has anyone got my mail yet? what i sent out a couple days ago? probly not, as canada post is pathetic. maybe i should go watch tv. or read james joyce. i've read about him so finaly thought i'd see what he was like. sort of odd, not sure i'll get through the book i'm reading.

i am very proud of my niece and nephew. when we go to the park they spend most of their time eschewing the man made structures and playing hide and seek in the bushes around the park. yesterday we spent about 20 minutes kicking a ball around the soccer field and playing follow the leader along the white lines. they spend a good part of their day outsideplaying with whatever they find, more often rocks and trees and dirt than bikes. so, i think it shows what great characters they have. or that they're not city kids at heart. or that they have great relatives. :)
joking aside, i was very pleased to notice these things. makes my life easier as well.....

it's snowing.

'Cause we got a mighty convoy
Rockin' through the night.
Yeah we got a mighty convoy
Ain't she a beautiful sight?
C W McCall
-----------------------------------------------
We don't need no education
We don't need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone!
All in all we're just another brick in the wall
All in all you're just another brink in the wall.
Pink Floyd
-----------------------------------------------
there we are, the songs that've been going through my head. great taste i've got, eh? next time i go to the library i'm getting me some bach.

here i am in calgary. the kids are great - 'we hate being babysat! i don't like aunts babysitting me. i like kim! you aren't my boss.' :) seriously though, they are good, generally not acting on their threats. i took them to the playground today and hit my head 3 times cuz i forgot to duck under those abominaly low playground things. loren is very tired looking, and mel reminds me of a shell going through the motions. i don't like it but until there is something i can do besides pray i'll try not to worry.
i'm actually looking forward to sunday. it's either because of the opertunity to rub shoulders with someone other than disturbed family members or because the building blocks of my brain are finaly organizing themselves into some semblance of order. maybe i'll actually start being able to listen to sermons without wanting to run out screaming because my brain is throwing around 20 half baked opposing sides to whatever the minister is saying. i think i shall take time to try to list all the improvements i have noticed.
2 + 2 now equals 4 again, as long as i don't think to hard about what 2 means, what the plus sign means, etc.
i have been sleeping quite well, which may be due to my
meds, which finaly seem to be working. this allows me to think optimistically about the future a good deal of the time, as oposed to none of them time. it also allows me to not have to stick on a happy face so often in order to escape myself. the smiles are realer, the laughing less of a cover. laughing is still a way of coping, but even 'normal' people need that, right?
napping constantly is not such a priority now.
my thoughts may possibly be finding their way back to logical paths, rather than looking as hairy and confused as the nile delta.
i don't have to combat thoughts of suicide and self harm and dispair nearly as much. (don't worry, i was, to a certain extent, nearly always able to control how far my thoughts went. the fact that they scared me so much went a long way to insuring they stayed thoughts)
i'm starting to read again. mostly funny stuff though. (wodehouse rocks, elly! sarah and i have been killing ourselves laughing at him, and quoting him)
now for the things that aren't so hot. i feel like i'm looking at my life through one of those thingys where you click to see another pictures of someone elses life. memory, concentration, motivation, the ability to put thoughts into words coherantly. although this last just might be improving. whether or not you can understand this post will be a good indication. now for a bit of a ramble about this. why is it so hard to take the sensations of all 6 senses, thoughts, religous experiances, emotions.... and describe them to other people, by means of art, literature, music, words, gestures and such. sometimes things march along nicely - you see something, it gives an impression. which may turn into feelings, emotions, maybe then thoughts. then you recreate all these things in a painting, a piece of music, a poem, a novel, a(n) eulagy(sp), a hug......... passing the sensation on. giving other people a chance to experiance the same thing. my problem is my thoughts are such a plethora(right word?) of mumbo jumbo images, criss crossing, jumping around, swirling through tunnels, and generaly reducung me to ineffectual stutters and gestures when trying to relate them to other people. and they contradict themselves. and argue. and swim out of sight, reapear, and leave forever. i suppose even the most talented don't always get it. anyone ever tried to find the 'right' interpretation of a story in english? also, maybe everyone's thoughts do the same. anyone read 'waves' by... virginia something? i don't remember. but at first i thought dude, she's wacked. then i thought wait, she's just trying to put into words what she's thinking, by writing whatever. then i thought, if this is the best she can do, that clinches it. it's impossible. bloody impossible. which probably explains a lot of insanity and dispair and suicide in the world. which is also maybe partly why beleiving (even when i can't beleive) in such an insane things as a God who loves me is sane in comparison.
wow, that was long. one question. did it make sense? specially that last part. if it did great. if not, i'm not so far as i thought. :)

kris

i'm really bad at saying things right, so i dunno if this'll work. but - it's been really great having you next door so i can pick up and leave my family and my troubles and spend an hour or 3 laughing at the world and myself. just so you know, if i am stupid enough to lose contact with you over the summer, i shall count it as one of the biggest mistakes of my life so far. honest. maybe that sounds funny but i can't afford to lose friends. so i won't. i am very determined to write all of you regularly.
see you when i see you. pray for me, eh?

i have done 2 irresponsible things in the last 12 hours and from a combination of all these things i am feeling very very nasty. shit. double shit. life should be perfect. right?
on a much nicer note, i was sitting in a tree grumping this afternoon and i counted 19 lady bugs. cool, eh?

here's an overview of my last couple days.

tuesday - rach and sarah and i went and got wood with erich (horse dude, we got a ride in his wagon and then in his carriage)
- we ate lunch
- we took sarah's viola student and went up to c creek and built a fire and cooked empty oranges with chocolate cake inside and went swimming
- i banged my tailbone on the rocks cuz i was bumping down the creek on my bum
- rach and i did our income tax and it gave me a paper cut (stupid taxes)

wednesday - was boring except recorder (with erich the horse dude and others and we actually sounded okay for once) and bible study (see what i mean about boring?)

today - sarah and i went riding up a mountain with erich for more than three hours ( it was supposed to be 7 but we ran into deep snow) and that was really fun and then he started to teach us how to drive his horses
- we ate lunch
- i am now on the computer

here are some interesting (ha!) things i shall write down so you feel obligated to read them.
#1 jeans burn red when you stick them in the fire
#2 i ate like a king for 5 days in a row. meatballs, pork roast, steak, beef roast, yummy leftover pork........
#3 riding horse really isn't that hard on your tail bone. you sit on the other parts of you mostly.

we almost went skinny dipping

i took papa's truck and maria and sarah and i went up in the bush (sort of) and built a fire and would have but there wasn't really a swimming hole and we were sort of worried other sunday afternoon pleasure seekers would drive along and us and it was really cold. there was snow on the ground. so we just stripped most of our clothes off and went in up to our necks just to say we'd done it. a repeat of yesterday except with colder water and more preparation. maria planned it all and bought us our supper at dq. don't buy their cherry misty thingys. they're bad. speaking of which, papa's cherry trees are blooming. he was hopeing they'd hold off a bit, but oh well.

wooooooo!

heeeheeeheeee. i love the plaid piano keys. i kept trying to imagine what you'd come up with ess but my imagination kept failing me. thankyou thankyou!

ummmm

i'll be babysitting for my brother in calgary for a couple months or something.

lovely, just lovely

my parents are idiots. my mother says my father is blackmailing her. my father says he doesn't want to be swayed by her moods. we get to hear about it. even me, and the issues don't even involve me. see, mom is getting married to an american, and my dad doesn't want to give permission to take the other kids across the border. mom says every important issue is completely taken care of. he disagrees. she says how wonderful her fiance is. i wonder if he knows what he's getting into. i'm staying here anyhow, it's not my issue. but it is, cuz they talk to everyone and expect me to take part just the same. i'm running away. kris, about that hitchhiking plan of ours?

i shock myself!

guess what i did yesterday? i was sitting in the sun, having a nice boring time, when my little brother and his friend came out and started tossing a frisbee around. sudenly i though - i want to join them! so i did. and they had no problem letting me join. so then another kid that mom teaches came, and i made this amazing catch where the wind brought it back to me and dropped it in my arms after i thought it was lost over the van. and johnny is really bad at being sneaky when it comes to retreiving things from the neighbours yard..... he'd sit there on the fence and contimplate his naval till we yelled at him to hurry up before we got in trouble. so then we decided to play soccer. and i wanted to! and johnny wanted to play with me, and we won. i made up for my pathetic soccer skills with my bigness. johnny kept letting me do all the work though cuz he said he was playing goalie. on a two person team. huh. it was really good fun though, and the neighbours never did catch us retrieving things from their garden. maybe it's time for me to start learning to enjoy more things like that. last summer it was swimming. i've always known i guess that i could probly enjoy sports in a very casual way, i've just been to darned lazy. and so far it's never bothered me. but maybe it's time to broaden my horizens. or maybe not. we'll see.
today we're going up to jen's house for supper and then bible study. should be fun. oh, and guess what? another very exciting thing. i found a hunting knife (real small, the blade is only about 4 or 5 inches) for 6 $ and 50 cents at a second hand store. and it seems to be pretty good quality. i was like dude, 6.50? i'll show it to jen's dad tonight and he can tell me a bit more about quality, before i get a case made for it. i knew i wasn't spending lots of money on one for a reason. being cheap is a good thing sometimes, eh?

random

bloody nose. weird. maybe it's the cows. i decided kris was right and changed the name. :)

my eyelid hurts......

either i've been rubbing it to much or i have a pimple there.
i decided not to jump the horse, cuz i wasn't used to the english saddle and was bumping around like a cork in a storm. maybe next time. we got a carriage ride though, and got to ride the horses through a river, and sarah got her feet wet.......
today i drove tractor while sarah and bear planted trees. they sat on the back tree planter thing and i tried not to knock them off when i lowered and raised the planter and turned corners and such. i think there was 2000 trees, which after planting needed to be straighted out and tamped down. it was great fun. maria mde me change my pants when i went inside which i thought was unkind as i'd only been wearing them for a couple weeks and i did offer to dust them off. :) speaking of weeks i've been happy for most of 3 of them, is that not dandy? i think it is.

humph

elly says finaly is spelled finally. i suppose withmy history i should beleive her, right? i wonder if there's an easy way to change it.
so. it was between this layout and the lime green. the lime green would've been more exciting, but this is...... not lime green. so. today i go horseback riding, jumping. maybe i'll survive. maybe not.

okeydokey folks

i gave in, peer pressure at it's greatest.... and sheer boredom. i think i should've gone with the lime green template though. they are all bad. essy? what shall i send thee? (what's it with songs today?) will you make in interesting? lime green is soooo..... lime green. what i've got is so..... something. can something combine hickishness with pianos? :) again, what kind of gum do you liketo get notsorandomly in the mail?

dude....

did this work? wowzers.