due to a somewhat bizare chain of events, which weren't really events but things, or people, or thoughts, i cleaned house yesterday. which may sound wacked, but when one is all wound up at life one must do something. the sinks are now as shiny as they ever will be. i hauled a garbage bag full of garbage out. i stacked records. i stuck magazines in a box. i did dishes. i did laundry. i put unused shoes in a box. i put all my craft stuff in a box. i threw stuff in my room to await the day my next piano student shows up, when i must clean that. i swept. i scrubbed the counter.
and i was still twitchy after the concert in the evening. just ask kris. but i did feel better. also, the house looks better. fit for christmas parties, even.
if we have them in the next couple days. because if we don't it'll be messy again.
c

Things to know -
#1 Thing - Do unto other's daughters as you would have them do unto yours.
#2 Thing - Cows that look crazy, act crazy, and probably are crazy, can still be called Bessy.

Thing to ponder - If one is walking past a cow, and one's eyes see a person, and one jumps, yelps, and looks wildly about, does that make one crazy? What if it happens twice?

Flying, falling.
Can one choose?
Can one even tell?
Will God help us? Will we let Him.
'God helps those who help themselves.' Or, 'Not by works, lest any man should boast.'
Is it possible to stay on the edge of the cliff and not take the leap. The leap we call life. 'Helping' ourselves by staying put. The unknown, peering down into perceived emptiness, imagining the horrers. Knives, pills, ropes, waiting. Waiting to destroy us by our weakness. Our pain. Our humanity.
'They that are whole have no need of a physician, but they that are sick.'
Or are we all just suspended in that moment - holding our breath, spending eternity waiting for the verdict. Cartoon caracters running off a presipice but not yet realizing gravity.
Some people fall. It doesn't bear thinking about, that. Only a prayer, a prayer for their souls. For our own.
Oh my Father who art in heaven, give me wings that I might fly!

I love writing notes. And recieving them. Don't know why. Always have, I think. Whiteboard notes, paper notes, notes for other people, notes I've written, notes for me. For me especially. They make me feel all warm and cozy inside. This would be why I write Kris notes even when I probably don't need to. I just like to.

What I put into this last weekend -
Gas money.
Some eggs.
Some granola bars.
Time.
Money put into gifts.

What I got out of this weekend -
A bruise on my but.
A speeding warning from the RCMP.
A wonderful weekend with friends and family.
The look on Eli's face when she saw me(us).
The satisfaction of a job well done - we kept the secret! Dang well, too, if you ask me.

Am I the only one who gets paranoid about people talking about me? I hear some people talking about 'she', and I get twitchy, even if there's no reason for them to be talking about me. Does this happen to everyone?
Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAH!
Now I'm gonna go finish some e-mailing, and then look for a whole bunch of cd's and books and maybe tapes to get out of this lovely institution called the Library. Books are good. Cd's are good. Tapes are good. Books are best. Do I hear an Amen from the peanut gallery?

*sings* DO THE HAPPY HIPPo HOP, DO THE HAPPY HIPPO HOP. DO THE HAPPY HIPPO HOP, DO THE HIPPO HOP! DO THE HAPPY HIPPO HOP, DO THE HAPPY HIPPO HOP. DO THE HAPPY HIPPO HOP, DO THE HIPPO
HOP!!!!

Alright folks, here is an anouncement.
In Febuary, in The Year of Our Lord 2006, I, Cor, am going to wean myself off of my medication. Unless of course all the unlesses maked that impossible. Say, perhaps, the powers that be have a really really dang good reason i should stay on them longer. Me being the judge of how good the reason is, of course. It will have been a good 6 months by then since it finaly started to work well, 8 or 9 since it started working a bit. It'd better work. I am determined that it will. So that's that. And don't anyone tell me stories about how most people have to stay on anti-depressants for years. I personally t hink my life can use a bit of optimism and determination.

aaah, vivaldi.
aaah, highspeed at my fingertips for a whole week.
aaah, being in the country.
aaah, fall. (if summer is determined to leave, i may as well enjoy fall. so don't crash my moment of being optimistic, anyone. it'll leave soon enough as it is.)
************
you know when people in books and such go on about how nice silenc eis with friends cuz one just knows what the other is thinking and it's like comunicating silently? well. i'm a big fan of silence between friends. but one is not always aware of what the other is thinking. one is often very self-absorbed. even when one does thinking about what the thoughts of the other person might be, one is often wrong. so there.
why oh why is this post not showing up unless i go into my acount? pete saw it, so maybe everyone but me can see it. why oh why?

O.k. Cor. First of all, I don't feel like answering that in the comment box. So you can delete this, and tell me to quit posting in your blog, if you want. And I really wouldn't be hurt or anything. Does that sound like a catty girl?
Though, to be quite honest. I don't think you're that far off. But I don't like to admit it. In some ways, and I hate to say this, it wouldn't hurt us to grow up. I don't think it's all selfish badness on our part. Because sometimes people just change and grow apart. But I have recognized cattiness, of sorts. I know I can be mildly manipulative. And agree with people behind third persons back. There are some games. And I hate it.
Not that everything is nastiness on our part. Because people do naturally change and grow apart. But can that only be blamed so far? We've got such history as a group. You guys have been my friends forever.
Is it possible to get too comfortable around each other?
I wouldn't really think of the teasing being a problem. Or do you sometimes think that some of us (Eli and I) are ganging up on you? I try not to. It's maybe the talking about each other that's more of a problem. It's so easy to water the weaknesses we see in each other when we're talking to another of a group. Do you think? So dang simple to "rant" about another person. And tear each other down.
I mean, it's not like we could or should stop talking about each other. It's part of being in a group. But at a point we start complaining about each other. And that's not so cool.
And competition. We all want to be liked. And we want to feel like we're liked as much as everybody else. So I think we subconciously pout when we see how close others are. Can't we just all have fun around each other?
And tolerance? At what level? Accepting (non moral) differances. I need to work on it. Because stuff bugs me and I can't let it go. I figure I'm probably the worst for that though.
Sometimes I really moan my gender. Can't we fight things out. Throw a few good punches, and then shake hands.
Anyway, the last issue. Confronting each other. You know I'm going to be an advocate of that. And it's probably not my weakness. But think of it. wouldn't you way rather have somebody come to you with an issue? I know I would. Although I don't get hurt too easily. And I'd much rather have people know what I think about them to them, instead of only to everyone else. But maybe that's just me. So much less stress.
Good for you. That you face this, and bring it up. And say maybe this needs to change.
I hope we can all just say friends forever. I love you guys. And even if we can't, we've got memories. Just don't let things end on a negative!

what i've been trying to figure out lately, this mostly applies to kris as opposed to ell and ess, is if we the people who are good friends in our small town - are we pushing each other away? remember when rach was talking about us saying nasty things about other people, not that, but ourselves. i don't know, i can't tell really, but sometimes i wonder. our teasing of each other and talking about each other, does it get out of hand sometimes? or we not accepting of each other enough? also, in a similar vein, should we be confronting each other more about stuff? in fact, and to sum all this drivel up, are we being girly and catty?
so if that makes any sense, your thoughts please. i'm trying to hurry cuz i've only got so much time. like i say i'm not sure, so kris, astound us with your intellect. :)

woooo! here i am! i think i sent my mass letter to you guys so you can read that if you want to know about camp. it was great and one of my friends from there might even come visit me. i also have a snail mail for you elly and i'm gonna write one to ess and then i'll send it.
today kris and john and i cleaned the mould out of the freezer. good to get that done.
i have a funeral on saturday, i have one syudent pinned down to a time and 3 or 4 more still trying to figure out schedules.
it's great weather out.
and that, ladies and guys, is my life. go me! maybe i'll get a deaper version of it next time. i'll think on that.

Dear reader's of Cor's blog:
I don't know about you, but I am getting horrendously bored of the post on Shakespeare and the nine comments on it. Consequently, I have decided to apologize for the lack of activity around this place.
See. I am Kris. I have decided quite simply to bring you some insight into Cor's so called life. Which is actually slightly more like a life then it has been in a while. Despite Shakepeare and what ho shirts. And although it might not make her blog much more exciting, it can't be any worse then her absence. Can it? O.k. Forget that.
To put things basically, Cor is now self sufficient. For the most part. This is applicable, despite her often stated plans of making her Dad buy her things. She manages this by living cheaply with an old friend who is now her roomie. The friend part may or may not continue to be a correct use of term. Only time will tell.
This particular roomie. Well, she's cool. She's got exceptional taste, she's fun, and easy going, and doesn't clean her kitchen. It's me, to be exact. But where was I taking this? Oh yes, she's to cheap to buy a computer. Either that or she simply can't afford it. So Cor is stuck with the library and occasional generosity of friends. It's been a while since she's had the time to surf around trying to find stuff to do. Like comment on your blog, or post in hers. At least that's the way it seems to me.
However, she isn't even home right now. She went off to counsel at camp. I don't know much about her camp life. But she seems to enjoy it enough. She's also staying with a friend for a bit, I think. But I don't know much about what she does when she's away. Or even when she's coming back. She's very vague on such issues.
She wears lots of plaid shirts and won't give me her stripey skirt even though she never wears it. She saved three cents by buying the cheapest shampoo. Recently she has occasionally tried new things and expanded her horizons. Which she was never open to when she was fifteen. She'll never take blame for anything, like breaking my fridge. She sleeps on the floor where the dust gives her allergies. She doesn't sound so fake when she laughs anymore. But she can get in bad moods which make the rest of us snarly. She's living in different circumstances now then ever before. So things will change.
Lastly, she's probably getting over her internet addiction.
This has been a brief update on Cor's life. Even if extremely dull. I could tell you a great many more things. But I think I'd best leave it here. Shut-up. I don't like people yawning at my writing.
Kris
As a disclaimer, none of the above opinions have been officially accepted by Corrianne herself. I have posted here without any permission on her behalf, which comes from her giving me her password. So she might be mad, but I think she'll get a kick out of it. To be short, you might be asked to forget you read this. Cor is, of course, welcome to delete this off her blog if she finds it as ridiculous as you do.

i forgot to mention that i, oh lucky me, have now seen a play by that most greatest of all playwrights, william shakespeare himself. live. okay, it was in a park. okay, the actors weren't world class. so what! it was great. and it was with two of my favourite people, my dear sister sarah and my good freind kris. hurrah for me!

first, it was an awesome weekend!
second, i got a nice view of calgary from one end to the other on foot this morning. stupid transit system was down. well, not all of it. but still. there was downtown, and then there was where the tracks curved and the druggies...... two guys yelled something at me (don't know what) and this other guy was lieing there almost naked looking all yellow and red and swollen and smoking something and shaking. convulsing, actually. i just walked fast and kept my knife handy and didn't actually worry to much for some reason. maybe i was too woozy from the bus trip. which wasn't to bad, but it was all night. and i was so late when i got to where i was going on the train mel wasn't there to pick me up anymore so i had to walk again. in all about an hour and a half. not bad, but i was getting hungry and tired. i felt really smelly when i got back. stupid dirty city air.
you've heard about the mysterious bites that ess and i suffered on our lower extremities.
you've heard about the great shirt painting. my sisters will be jelous.
kris, you should see the church they go to. the people look like we used to look like. scary, eh? i agreed with quite a lot of the sermon though, and i was most deffinatly a blessing to the people there. i even made one of the girls' eyes pop out with the full count of kids in the family. that was fun.
i made the dog bark.
i swam in their pool, which isn't a cold as they think it is. :)
i watched casablanca today on tv. i've never seen it before, just heard of it. it was.... interesting. now i know who humphry bogart is. i think.
thanks again for having me! it was great. come see us soon!

things i have learned lately.
a paper cup filled with icetea and left on a dashboard will leak after a couple days.
when most people talk about the Baldwins they are not talking about piano makers.
mel gibson looks really funny in an 80's haircut.
when you say albert camus the way i think it's supposed to be pronounced, it sounds like ALbatross, BEAR, CAmel, MOOse.

person a
very depressed, almost dangerously so, but not quite. fighting very hard, as far as possible, to keep it that way. brain tries to tell p.a. that there is no God, the world makes no sense, give up trying to find Him, etc.. a lot of time spent trying to shut off said brain, or fighting it. the energy to fight very effectivly may not be there, but the desire to and the effort is there.
a quote from The First Man, by Albert Camus
'All that was left was this anguished heart, eager to live, rebelling against the deadly order of the world that had been with him for forty years, and still struggling agaist the wall that separated him from the secret of all life, wanting to go farther, to go beyong, and to discover, discover before dying, discoverat last in order to be, just once to be, for a single second, but forever.'
this is a fairly good (if somewhat dramatized) description of p.a.'s condition, just lacking to energy to strive as fully as wanted and needed. also, p.a. cares. very much so.
what is person a to do? take meds so he/she can become like
person b,
who is not nearly so depressed. more energy, mental capacities better, in many ways. more content with life, more relaxed. risk of suicide practically non-exsistant. many aspects of normal life returned. the problem - no fight. all depth and spiritual fight seems to have gone in p.b., the desire to make God listen. caring seems to have fled. not truly, but sort of. almost as though the superficial layer of life has grown and taken over all of the realness it can(not all of it. one hopes that will never completely be destroyed.) and has thus become reality, much of the time. the thing to do, obviously, is to enjoy and relax in the good things, and try to fight to get that infamous fight back. but -
my friends, which is better? which would you choose? it's not as though person b has turned God away - just forgets about Him through sheer spiritual spinelessness on a regular basis.
and i can't even really say this is me then and me now, as i seem to have taken that verse 'we see through a glass darkly' to a whole new level when it comes to figuring out my life. i dunno. not i dunno and i want to know, but whatthehellidunnoidon'tcare. see the problem? so the point of this paragraph is, don't think of it as me so much as a hypothetical situation that you may be in and what would you do?
i'm gonna go ride bikes with the kids. as in 'dang it gemma, you are only allowed to run into my vehicle, not the neighbours! stu! look where you're going! aren't you glad that car was looking?'

imagine - i fieldish thing, but bumpy, with scrubby bushes, blue and orange wildflowers, trees and rockpiles in the background, etc. wild looking, in a way, and quite beautiful, if that word fits. one old camper trailer, a few newer lookatmei'mcool trucks, a wood pile, and a campfire. the scene being set, i shall now proceed with the dialogue.
vehicle noise in distance.
redneck#1 - woooo! it's the winabego!(sp)
me - *a what?*
rdn#2 - waren is a crazy dude.
rdn#3 - here he'll come in a minute, yaaah!
rdn#1 - wooooooo!
enter the winabego, an old awesome looking square camper going way to fast over the rocks. drives all around the vehicles, bouncing around over the bumps like....... a camper driving really fast through a bumpy field. warren leaps out. in a white cowboy hat.
rdn#3 - yeah warren!
warren - yeeeeeehaw, we started deepfrying the turkey yet?
rdn#2 - dude, where's the beer?

now imagine that same field, at dusk. a kid on a bike, you all know how it looks with daddy hanging on the the back of the seat cuz jr. hasn't learned balance yet. legs splayed out, daddy pushing for all he's worth. now make the kid loren, the bike a bright yellow croth rocket, daddy his boss. the reason for this? a dead battery. it was a great picture. don't forget the huge helmet bikers must wear. (actually i got to be on the back of the bike and it was lots of fun.)

now - a paunch, a pair of swim trunks, a farmer tan, a not yet middle age but not young anymore face, sandles, and maybe a can of something to drink. times 3. on a tailgate.

the last thing to imagine is me swimming. boy was that fun! and the turkey they cooked yesterday and today was awesome. hotsauce injected into the meat..... mmmmmmm.

i forgot to mention how i got to drive some awesome old tractors - like 60 years old or something. track things, cats in fact. with old plows behind, two stick brakes and two pedal brakes for steering. dude, it was cool. and i got to see a self-leveling combine pretend it was on a hill. like an old man falling over but first glueing his legs to the ground.
also, as i'm back in ab, my nosebleeds are back. my throat hurts from swallowing so much blood, and i've started to speculate on how gross it would be if i threw up around now.
those cats were da bomb!

some observations -
our old toyota van can do 130 at least. a tad hard to handle at those speeds, and probably unsafe, but heh. (the tendancy to wander increases, the feeling of almost taking off into the air but continually coming down to earth with a bump is much more distinct, the smell, the white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel needed to control things.....)
i saw my mother kiss dennis somewhat passionatly, and it was weird.
one should sleep outside away from the city whenever possible. the stars are stupendously amazing.
bill now only has 3 deoderants on his shelf, as opposed to 4.
i made my oldest brother very happy with only one dollar. go garage sales!
kris my haircut looks much better when i let it dry without combing it flat.
naomi gave me my bday gift already, a very nice red tank top with a maple leaf on it. all these free clothes i've been getting lately!
kevin would hate working on your farm kris. he likes organization and efficiancy and improvement. :)