here i am in calgary. the kids are great - 'we hate being babysat! i don't like aunts babysitting me. i like kim! you aren't my boss.' :) seriously though, they are good, generally not acting on their threats. i took them to the playground today and hit my head 3 times cuz i forgot to duck under those abominaly low playground things. loren is very tired looking, and mel reminds me of a shell going through the motions. i don't like it but until there is something i can do besides pray i'll try not to worry.
i'm actually looking forward to sunday. it's either because of the opertunity to rub shoulders with someone other than disturbed family members or because the building blocks of my brain are finaly organizing themselves into some semblance of order. maybe i'll actually start being able to listen to sermons without wanting to run out screaming because my brain is throwing around 20 half baked opposing sides to whatever the minister is saying. i think i shall take time to try to list all the improvements i have noticed.
2 + 2 now equals 4 again, as long as i don't think to hard about what 2 means, what the plus sign means, etc.
i have been sleeping quite well, which may be due to my
meds, which finaly seem to be working. this allows me to think optimistically about the future a good deal of the time, as oposed to none of them time. it also allows me to not have to stick on a happy face so often in order to escape myself. the smiles are realer, the laughing less of a cover. laughing is still a way of coping, but even 'normal' people need that, right?
napping constantly is not such a priority now.
my thoughts may possibly be finding their way back to logical paths, rather than looking as hairy and confused as the nile delta.
i don't have to combat thoughts of suicide and self harm and dispair nearly as much. (don't worry, i was, to a certain extent, nearly always able to control how far my thoughts went. the fact that they scared me so much went a long way to insuring they stayed thoughts)
i'm starting to read again. mostly funny stuff though. (wodehouse rocks, elly! sarah and i have been killing ourselves laughing at him, and quoting him)
now for the things that aren't so hot. i feel like i'm looking at my life through one of those thingys where you click to see another pictures of someone elses life. memory, concentration, motivation, the ability to put thoughts into words coherantly. although this last just might be improving. whether or not you can understand this post will be a good indication. now for a bit of a ramble about this. why is it so hard to take the sensations of all 6 senses, thoughts, religous experiances, emotions.... and describe them to other people, by means of art, literature, music, words, gestures and such. sometimes things march along nicely - you see something, it gives an impression. which may turn into feelings, emotions, maybe then thoughts. then you recreate all these things in a painting, a piece of music, a poem, a novel, a(n) eulagy(sp), a hug......... passing the sensation on. giving other people a chance to experiance the same thing. my problem is my thoughts are such a plethora(right word?) of mumbo jumbo images, criss crossing, jumping around, swirling through tunnels, and generaly reducung me to ineffectual stutters and gestures when trying to relate them to other people. and they contradict themselves. and argue. and swim out of sight, reapear, and leave forever. i suppose even the most talented don't always get it. anyone ever tried to find the 'right' interpretation of a story in english? also, maybe everyone's thoughts do the same. anyone read 'waves' by... virginia something? i don't remember. but at first i thought dude, she's wacked. then i thought wait, she's just trying to put into words what she's thinking, by writing whatever. then i thought, if this is the best she can do, that clinches it. it's impossible. bloody impossible. which probably explains a lot of insanity and dispair and suicide in the world. which is also maybe partly why beleiving (even when i can't beleive) in such an insane things as a God who loves me is sane in comparison.
wow, that was long. one question. did it make sense? specially that last part. if it did great. if not, i'm not so far as i thought. :)