How do relationships work?
When is it your responsibility and when the other persons?

I have a new job.
Brought my resumes out monday, start today.
Not bad.

Bright tacky colours are the bestest thing.
Not all the time, but much of it.

I'm going to learn to draw with charcoal.
Maybe.

Instead of trying to get extremely tanned, or using stupid tanning creams, try this.
Have a pale sister.
Get a tiny bit of a tan -
then wear white shirts.

I'm teaching my sister music theory.
Scary how much I forget.

How to remember the differance between a Diatonic scale and a Chromatic scale acording to my sister.
Diatonic=diat=diet=skinnier=it's a thinner scale. Not so many notes.

It's harvest time, my dad is incredibly stressed, things are looking up after taking a nose-dive, anyone who knows farmers will probably know what I'm talking about. Minute to minute decisions, ones I can't make but watch my dad agonize over. A great crop, a flooded market. Farmers who are incredibly pessimistic and gloomy but who are in love with the quality of their crop. Tenting out at the farm - we start out the night with 5 people, but other people keep showing up and creeping into the tent. 'Um, is that you, Jen?' Thinking you're doing one thing but being roused at 5 in the morning being told you get to boss people around all morning, including people who know more than you on the subject. Thankfully the people you are bossing are very nice. In spite of the stress, having a wonderful time.
But - craving alone time. Not because of the people you're hanging out with, they're the best the world has to offer. Just because you've been around people constantly for a long time. And when you get it, because you've been around your family and friends so much the last week they won't care if you ditch them for a bit, your brain is clogged and all you can do is hardly even start to think about unwinding and thinking things through. Because you can't get through that dang layer in your brain that separates reality from unreality. Not in 10 minutes, anyhow. Maybe not in a lifetime, and that scares me.

Lots of times my thoughts (and life) seem like a never ending rotting onion, to use a very clumsy metaphore. First, I can't get at them. Then I get at one layer, sort of. But it stinks, and it does not make much sense. If i try to get past that one, because I know I'm only scratching the surface, there's another layer that makes less sense. And so on. If I try going out and away instead and have no better luck. Each new layer just gets bigger and more complicated and muddier. I try to understand a simple thing, like an apple. And I can't. And I know that even if I were to know the exact molecular make up and how it works and grows and the whole biology of it, it wouldn't make sense. The only way it makes sense is going back to God, and is God understandable? No. And that's a small example that I can understand, in a relative manner of speaking.
Why is the sky blue?
Why do I, whenever someone is mad or sad, shrivel inside as though either it's my fault, or why can't I do anything. If it's my fault, I probably still can't understand it, because I can't get at my thoughts, my actions, their thoughts, their actions, and why can't I be perfect? If it's not my fault, I just feel helpless. Like listening to someone cry in the next room. There is no sound quite so heartbreaking and lonely. Why can't I fix it? It hurts like hell, and It may not even by my hurt. But it is, by virtue of association.
Finding my way is like hurling myself against a brick wall. Even if, by some lucky chance, I can figure out something I should do to make myself a better person, I can't get at how. Even more complicated is why. How do I pray? How does it help? How do I act? Like I do, or like veryone else thinks I should? When do I stick with what I think or want or do and when do I defer to other people's judgement, because of course they're wiser than me, if only because they are surer of themselves.
I have a core of self confidance that I've been grateful for. (except for when something comes around and I wonder if it's just a veneer) But now I feel as thought each passing day shows me more and more how much of an insignificant worm I really am. How stupid I am. How silly. How imature. How no one likes to hang out with me. (here my core comes in and I laugh and say 'ha! they're gonna hang out with me anyhow.') Do I fight it with good thoughts about my great wonderfulness(ha), or do I just say 'finaly I realize what I'm really like, how do I fix me so I'm like what everyone else thinks I should be?' Both, I think, bad and untrue. But are they? Even harder, is God tearing down my self confidence so he can make me who he wants? Is that what he means by 'A broken and a contrite heart'? If so, why can't we get there already?
I say 'I don't know' and 'whatever' a lot. because, I don't know. I try. It doesn't work. I try some more. I go in circles. What's clear to other people is NOT clear to me. I try, I suceed a bit, I get stuck again. Things go foggy. I can't reach things. I can't reach people. I can't reach God. I can't reach myself. I only hope God can still reach me.
Maybe I can sum this all up this way - how do I be who God wants me to be, NOT who people want me to be, and NOT who I wan't me to be. How? How? How? How? Damn this life, how?

It's a girl! And her name is Seanna. Yes, yes it is. How do you like that? Oh wait. This might sounds like she's mine. She's not. She's my sister's. :)

Why do we think about what we do? Why are some things on our minds sometimes, and other things other times? Why do some things stay for weeks, for no apparent reason? Is there always a reason, be it God, the devil, or something random somebody said? Even if it's something random somebody said, does it still all have a reason, or a consequance? Does 'reason' and 'consequance' amount to the the same thing? How much do we control our thoughts, and how much do they control us?
How come the guy on the Kal Tire comercial is so dorky looking, and the kid on the other comercial is so cute? Okay, cuz one's a tire comercial and one's a little kid. That question I can answer.

It's springtime! How exciting is that. The orchards are starting to bloom. I love forsythias. Bible Study has been going good. My job is working for me. (not supposed to be a bad pun. or any pun at all) Soon my hair will be long enough to braid. I wish I could figure life out. But, maybe I can figure it out one step at a time. With flowers outside and sun in my hair and the smell of grass.

Can you want something you can't imagine? We were talking about this the other night. I can't figure it out. I can say that when I'm depressed I can't imagine being happy, which almost seems to translate into not wanting it. Maybe it's more that I just can't imagine 'happy' being real. So how can you want something that's not real? Wich is all a very bad state of mind, and I try not to be in it. Also, I try to think of other examples to try to clarify it, but it doesn't help. I really can't seem to untangle the problem, or the ramifications thereof. But that's okay. I think. Maybe I'll look back in ten years and not be able to imagine why I would think such silly things. Or maybe I'll think these things all my life, and die a normal old age death, triumphant in that I didn't kill myself, defeated in that I didn't 'get over' my problems. Maybe I will kill myself, defeated in every way. I guess I'm glad I don't know the future. Not always. I would love to know that I'm win over myself. But I would not want to know that I wouldn't. So. As everyone has decided before me, it's better I don't know. I guess.
Why am I being so morbid? I don't even feel morbid. Just what I've been thinking about, I guess.

Folks,

Cor has not updated nigh unto almost 2 months. What shall we do to remedy this?

I am feeling very tired, and I am feeling very cynical. Go me.

Wow. Everyone is not posting so much. It's crazy.
I just thought that everyone would like to know that my sister has stopped eating pork.
Also, that I'm starting to be able to drive Kristen's car. The alternative being the car driving me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ESSY!

due to a somewhat bizare chain of events, which weren't really events but things, or people, or thoughts, i cleaned house yesterday. which may sound wacked, but when one is all wound up at life one must do something. the sinks are now as shiny as they ever will be. i hauled a garbage bag full of garbage out. i stacked records. i stuck magazines in a box. i did dishes. i did laundry. i put unused shoes in a box. i put all my craft stuff in a box. i threw stuff in my room to await the day my next piano student shows up, when i must clean that. i swept. i scrubbed the counter.
and i was still twitchy after the concert in the evening. just ask kris. but i did feel better. also, the house looks better. fit for christmas parties, even.
if we have them in the next couple days. because if we don't it'll be messy again.
c

Things to know -
#1 Thing - Do unto other's daughters as you would have them do unto yours.
#2 Thing - Cows that look crazy, act crazy, and probably are crazy, can still be called Bessy.

Thing to ponder - If one is walking past a cow, and one's eyes see a person, and one jumps, yelps, and looks wildly about, does that make one crazy? What if it happens twice?

Flying, falling.
Can one choose?
Can one even tell?
Will God help us? Will we let Him.
'God helps those who help themselves.' Or, 'Not by works, lest any man should boast.'
Is it possible to stay on the edge of the cliff and not take the leap. The leap we call life. 'Helping' ourselves by staying put. The unknown, peering down into perceived emptiness, imagining the horrers. Knives, pills, ropes, waiting. Waiting to destroy us by our weakness. Our pain. Our humanity.
'They that are whole have no need of a physician, but they that are sick.'
Or are we all just suspended in that moment - holding our breath, spending eternity waiting for the verdict. Cartoon caracters running off a presipice but not yet realizing gravity.
Some people fall. It doesn't bear thinking about, that. Only a prayer, a prayer for their souls. For our own.
Oh my Father who art in heaven, give me wings that I might fly!

I love writing notes. And recieving them. Don't know why. Always have, I think. Whiteboard notes, paper notes, notes for other people, notes I've written, notes for me. For me especially. They make me feel all warm and cozy inside. This would be why I write Kris notes even when I probably don't need to. I just like to.

What I put into this last weekend -
Gas money.
Some eggs.
Some granola bars.
Time.
Money put into gifts.

What I got out of this weekend -
A bruise on my but.
A speeding warning from the RCMP.
A wonderful weekend with friends and family.
The look on Eli's face when she saw me(us).
The satisfaction of a job well done - we kept the secret! Dang well, too, if you ask me.

Am I the only one who gets paranoid about people talking about me? I hear some people talking about 'she', and I get twitchy, even if there's no reason for them to be talking about me. Does this happen to everyone?
Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAH!
Now I'm gonna go finish some e-mailing, and then look for a whole bunch of cd's and books and maybe tapes to get out of this lovely institution called the Library. Books are good. Cd's are good. Tapes are good. Books are best. Do I hear an Amen from the peanut gallery?

*sings* DO THE HAPPY HIPPo HOP, DO THE HAPPY HIPPO HOP. DO THE HAPPY HIPPO HOP, DO THE HIPPO HOP! DO THE HAPPY HIPPO HOP, DO THE HAPPY HIPPO HOP. DO THE HAPPY HIPPO HOP, DO THE HIPPO
HOP!!!!

Alright folks, here is an anouncement.
In Febuary, in The Year of Our Lord 2006, I, Cor, am going to wean myself off of my medication. Unless of course all the unlesses maked that impossible. Say, perhaps, the powers that be have a really really dang good reason i should stay on them longer. Me being the judge of how good the reason is, of course. It will have been a good 6 months by then since it finaly started to work well, 8 or 9 since it started working a bit. It'd better work. I am determined that it will. So that's that. And don't anyone tell me stories about how most people have to stay on anti-depressants for years. I personally t hink my life can use a bit of optimism and determination.

aaah, vivaldi.
aaah, highspeed at my fingertips for a whole week.
aaah, being in the country.
aaah, fall. (if summer is determined to leave, i may as well enjoy fall. so don't crash my moment of being optimistic, anyone. it'll leave soon enough as it is.)
************
you know when people in books and such go on about how nice silenc eis with friends cuz one just knows what the other is thinking and it's like comunicating silently? well. i'm a big fan of silence between friends. but one is not always aware of what the other is thinking. one is often very self-absorbed. even when one does thinking about what the thoughts of the other person might be, one is often wrong. so there.
why oh why is this post not showing up unless i go into my acount? pete saw it, so maybe everyone but me can see it. why oh why?